I [don´t] Feel Pretty

If I had a sound track for my Peace Corps service, one song that would be on it would be "I don´t feel pretty", the classic from West Side Story with a less romantic twist. On the self discovery trip that has been forced upon me since I arrived a year ago, involves an evaluation about how I feel about myself, inside and out. Not just that, it is forcing me to gauge how much I actually care about the way I look.

It goes without saying, joining Peace Corps is not about a glamorous life style or superficial value in ones self. I have always been a very confident person who has never cared and therefore never greatly invested in my appearance. But lately, well honestly I´ve been feeling like this for quite some time, I don´t feel very attractive. There are about 100 reasons for this, may of them are self inflicted. But I´m gonna start at the top and work my way down.

9 months after a horrible peruvian hair cut, my hair is still recovering and I don´t like the length or the style. But I refuse to go back to a "stylist" here and am waiting till I go to the states to get it fixed. I don´t own hair products, a hair dryer, a curler or a straightener. My hair has not been done in over a year. I shower once overy 2-4 days and I have really oily hair so after the first day I look like a grease ball. I don`t wear make up except on occasion in Lima. But I only brought with me a few pieces with me. Again, I don`t shower all that often and my skin is really oily so its always really shinny and scary.

When I packed for Peru I brought along what I deemed to be "Peace Coprs" clothing ie. baggy jeans, tee shirts and sweats. The few nice clothes I did bring have basically been destroyed by the dirt and washing methods. Besides the fact I didn`t bring nice clothes and don´t want to ruin the ones I have, I always try to dress in an unattractive way to divert attention. So many men whistle and yell things at me and I try to take what control I can in the situation and dress in the least provocative way possible. Unfortunately, this does little to deter them. The other day I was wearing old baggy jeans circa 2001, hiking boots, a baseball cap and hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled over the cap. I got harassed as many times as usual. One might think that having men whistling and hollering might raise my self-esteem, but it actually makes me feel worse.

I`m really just complaining, there are many things I could do to make myself feel more pretty. There are volunteers who wear high heals, travel with curling irons and where make up everyday. But all that stuff takes 10 times the effort it does back home. I could buy cuter clothing and wear it (seeing as the men will whistle no matter what I wear), but I feel like there is no bigger waist of money than that. In a way this falter in self confidence is a good thing. It is letting me see a side of me I´ve never seen before, one where I realize my physical appearance actually means something to me. This is a latin culture which values the way a woman looks on the outside which probably effects me as well. But it also helps me keep things in perspective . I didn´t comes here to look pretty and looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of that.

I suppose I could shower more and that would help probably more than anything else. After all, being attractive is really about how you feel. When you feel dirty, covered in dust, sweat, grease and all the germs the kids cover me in, one is bound to feel icky. Not to mention smell a little funky too. Now that winter is here and it is cold again, I don´t think I will be mustering up the energy to be taking frigid showers more often. I look forward to be able to get dressed up again and not feel insulted to have men look at me. And when I get there, I will be able to appreciate more becaues of my 2 years in Peace Corps.