Site Visit: the long and the short

Okay, it´s really the long and the long. I´ll be impressed if any one other than my mom reads this whole thing. I´m not even giving my dad the bennifit of the doubt on this one. I´m sure my mom will just dictate. By the way: Mom, Kristen, Amber and Laura, thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement!

I don’t think I was shocked when I got to site. I think I had a pretty good idea of what it was going to be like, but even so, almost immediately upon arrival I freaked out. This is the view of my new house from above. That square room on the left with the white wall is my bedroom. I’m still trying to determined the cause of my freak out, but regardless or the catalyst, the first two days at site I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it the full to years. Heck, I wasn’t sure I was even going to survive the first week. I had a continuous 2 day anxiety attack. Because of this, I’m pretty sure my new host mom thinks I’m anorexic because I didn’t eat anything the 4 nights I stayed there. That’s not true, I had half a bowl of soup the first night. The full on panic attack didn’t set in till half way through dinner. The exact moment went it hit was when I took a bite into the lentil and rice dish I was served. For some reason, it tasted like fish. And from that moment on, I didn’t even attempt another bite of dinner for the rest of my stay. I did drink 5 cups of chamomile tea a day, so maybe that makes up for my lack of eating.

Right. It all started innocently enough. Every one else from my group left for there sites on Sunday. They all took over night buses except for the 4 who flew to Arequipa cause a bus ride there is about 18 hours. I didn’t leave till Tuesday when at 8 o’clock in the morning I got picked up by the peace corps driver in our very nice SUV. Tuesday morning and afternoon was filled with counterpart day at the headquarters in Lima, where I met my people with whom I’ll be working closest with over the next two years. Every department capital held a counterpart day for the volunteers to meet their new colleagues and for the peace corps to introduce the roll of the counterpart. In most capitals, this was a big event with 6 or more volunteers and groups of 20+ people. Since I’m the only new volunteer in Lima, my group was a little lonely. But Bianca, the girl I’m replacing, was there with her new counterpart and Jorge, a volunteer from Peru 7 with his counter part. I had three counterparts come. The psychologist from the abused girls home and two nuns from the orphanage. I never dreamed I would ever work with nuns. One of the nuns was 22 and the other was probably in her 60’s, but they were both super cool. All of my counterparts are absolutely wonderful people, which is a good thing, not all volunteers are so lucky.

This was my first time at the headquarters, it was pretty nice. Here, I randomly bumped into Dennis, the business volunteer from Peru 5 who’s extending his service till march and is living close to Lurin as well. He was getting ready to leave for a vacation but said he was so happy I was moving to Lurin and told me about the surf board project. I was feeling really excited as Bianca and I got on the bus for my new site. But when we got off, it was dark and we were in the middle of a farm. As we walked through the smelly, dark, fields, it started to sink in. This was it, my new home. It was scary. When we got to the row of houses that make up my “town” called Buena Vista, the anxiety grew. And when we came into the house, my stomach dropped. It really isn’t that bad, it’s just different. It’s less homey and less modern than my house now. However, my new room is cozier. It has a really nice feel to it, but it is pretty small. So Bianca introduced me to the family, showed me my room, told me to feel free to use anything I wanted of hers and she took off. It was 6 o’clock in the evening, I was in the middle of no where, what was I gonna do? I attempted to eat dinner, but as I stated earlier, that didn’t work out so well. I took a tour of the “town” with my new host sister and watched some Simpson’s.

This is the view from my room out onto the "town" of Buena Vista. Notice the gray skies. The sun doesn´t come out for 4 months strait. But on the plus side, it´s almost spring!

I think it’s sad to admit, but one of the big reasons I was disappointed with my new house is that it doesn’t have cable TV. Cable TV is such a luxury. It’s an escape from the Spanish world and a window to my estranged country. Here at training I like to wake up in the morning and watch CNN in English as I eat my corn flakes. CNN even runs episodes of the Daily Show. How will I pass the time as I eat breakfast now? I tried to keep it in perspective, cause I know a lot of volunteers don’t even have regular TV. But perspective couldn’t save me from my imminent anxiety attacks. Another thing I tried to keep in perspective was the bathroom situation. I have one! That’s great, cause a lot of volunteers don’t. Many use latrines a good walk away from their houses. And Frank, up in the campo in Ancash doesn’t even have a latrine. He has to walk into the field and squat in the brush. My bathroom is a one big room with the kitchen and is only divided by a an almost see through shower curtain. There’s no toilet seat and of course it’s a bucket flush. I’m not even sure how many people exactly live in the house, but it’s around 10 and we all share one bathroom. Later that night when I was feeling sick to my stomach, I thought I was going to die waiting for the toilet to be free. Again, I tried to keep it in perspective, I am very lucky to have a toilet in the house. So that was the first night. My mind was fighting against all my emotions to stay calm. I was truly panicked. I felt trapped, I felt like I was so removed from civilization. In the back of my mind I knew everything was going to be okay, but at the time it was absolutely horrible, I felt defeated.

This is the view of the upstairs hall outside my room.

The next morning I went to the first Hogar where I will be working, the orphanage for kids under the age of 12. Non of the kids were there though, they were all on vacation with various family members. We had a meeting with all the nuns and volunteers. I think I paid attention for the first 15 minuets, at which point my mind wondered off, my thoughts took over and I was panicking again. After this Bianca took me into the small city of Lurin which is a 20 minute walk from my house. Lurin is really great, and the moment I set foot there, I told myself that me moving into the city of Lurin was crucial to my survival in the Peace Corps. That was it, the answer. I would move into Lurin. Into a nice modern house on paved roads with hot water and cable TV. Living in Buena Vista is hard because walking into Lurin at night is not safe. But if I lived in Lurin, I could go to the internet café, the gym, a restaurant, a casino, a dance class or a bar with out putting myself in danger. I was convinced the only way I wasn’t going to go crazy was to move onto Lurin.

What are the chances of Kitty letting me move right off the bat into Lurin? Slim, I guessed. I’d have to really convince her how miserable I was to let me move without waiting the standard 3 month trial period. That night, as I sat abandoned in my room, the only time I could calm myself down out of the anxiety attacks was when I convinced myself I was going to be able to move into Lurin and everything would be fine. The next morning Bianca took me to the other girls Hogar and I observed her doing a self esteem workshop. My whole body was in pain from the anxiety. That evening I decided to let my guard down and confide in Bianca. I really didn’t want her thinking I was a wimp. After all, she had toughed it out in Buena Vista for two years, and she lived the first year in even worse conditions than the house she was in now. Luckily, she was very understanding. She admitted she would be a bit disappointed if I moved out of Buena Vista and didn’t continue the community work she had started there. She was in no way judgmental and asked what she could do to help me. Unfortunately, there isn’t much anybody can do to calm down panic attacks.

My room. See it´s not bad.

My mental state didn’t help my purpose for being there. Bianca was introducing me to everyone I need to know and showing me all the tricks of the trade. But I couldn’t take any of it in, I couldn’t even breath. The third night I apologized to my host mother for being so rude and not eating or even showing my face downstairs. I tried to explain to her how I was feeling without hurting her feelings. She seems like a wonderful woman. She too was very understanding. She said I could eat whenever I felt ready and there was no pressure to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with doing. That night as I was hiding out in my room, one of my host cousins and later one of my host sisters came to visit me to see what I was doing. Up until this point they had been very shy, I think my mom sent them up to check on my to make sure I was doing okay. I don’t know what it was but around 10 o’clock that night, I started to feel okay for the first time. Finally the panicky feeling went away and I started to feel a little confident that I could do this.

The next day I went back to orphanage. Bianca kept herself hidden. I was supposed to be learning to do things on my own. I sat a table with the 6th grade boys and helped with homework. All though I was starting to feel confident that I could at least survive, but my job is still really really hard and brings it‘s own set or anxiety. That afternoon we went into Lima. We went to the PC headquarters and talked to Kitty, which was a big mistake. Talking to her kind of spun me back into the sick to my stomach, overwhelming feeling. On top of that, there were two girls from Peru 5 saying there goodbyes. They had finished their 27 month stay and were flying out that night. My two years seemed light years away and I once again thought I wasn’t going to make it. To try and take my mind off things, Bianca took me to Jockey plaza which is the only modern/American style mall in all of Peru. We went to Starbucks, and I’m sure the last thing I needed was caffeine, but I got a Venti vanilla latte. After that we went to see Evan Almighty at the movie theaters.

We got back to the Buena Vista area around nine. We were walking the same dirt road we walked the first night we arrived and it wasn’t until that moment, the same place I first started to freak out, that I calmed down. Really calmed down. That night I spent time with my host family and went to my room happy and fell asleep thinking about all the wonderful things I will be able to do in the next two years. Even the next day when we went back to orphanage I felt okay. I left back for my host family in Huascaran feeling content. Feeling that I can do this, I will survive and it will be great.

All in all I am grateful I went through such a rough few days. I know I will have more bad days, maybe weeks, they may even be worse. But I know I can survive them. I had Bianca there to show me ropes. I’m lucky that I’m a replacement volunteer. Bianca got to site and had to figure everything out on her own. Plus, Bianca is staying as a 3rd year as volunteer coordinator and is only a phone call or a 45 minute bus ride away. She said I am welcome stay at her place in Lima if I ever need a break. I am a little embarrassed I freaked out so bad, but I think now, with some perspective I have a better idea why, and I feel that it was relatively healthy. To sum it all up, the reasons I think I got so scared were

A. It was a lot to take in all at once and very overwhelming

B. It’s a big change and regardless, it will take a lot of adjusting
C. No more Americans, no more English

D. Isolation, physical and emotional

E Bianca and I are polar opposites. She is an uber home body. I got scared of her lifestyle, passing every night alone in Buena Vista. But I realized I get to make my experience my own. I can make it as fun and action packed as I can. There’s a beach I can bike to, a cool city to explore, great people to make friends with and endless opportunities at work.

I have to two weeks until I move permanently to Buena Vista. Hopefully I can maintain my positive perspective and enjoy my last two weeks of training panic attack free.