Sucks to be you(th)

While, it doesn't actually suck to be youth, it is definitely challenging. I managed to go the whole week with only one panic attack, and overall, I am feeling a bit more confident in day to day life. I still have a long way to go, of course. I was able to keep myself pretty busy this week. But I was in Lima for a few days taking care of bank and phone stuff. I have a few goals for this coming week. One, is to stay at site until Sunday. Ive spent a lot of time hanging out with the last of my friends and taking care of stuff in Lima, that I already feel like I'm behind on this whole integration thing. In talking to other volunteers from my group, the ones who have been hanging around, doing nothing, are the ones who seem to be meeting the most people and settling in the best. I feel like I will go crazy if I don't have stuff to do, but another one of my goals for the week is to take it down a notch. I need to stop focusing on being busy and start relaxing. I need to just wander around and talk to people.
I definitely have a disadvantage in my site in that my counterparts are not part of the community I live in. I don't have anyone to show me around and introduce me to people. I'm trying to find the courage to walk into the municipality office, the health post and the school board office and explain who I am and explore my options. Its pretty intimidating, I'm afraid between my not so perfect spanish and my wanting them to like me and help me, they ll trick me into doing some hideous job. It wouldnt be the first time that's happened to a volunteer.
I really want to find new work outside the hogars, because I don't want to get in the habit of going everyday and just being another one of their workers. Frankly, its a bit boring and they don't really need much help. At the orphanage there are currently 3 volunteers from Germany living and working there full time. That's 3 volunteers, 5 nuns, 4 aspiring nuns and a handful of other people like psychologists, cooks, gardeners and other volunteers and groups who come in sporadically. These numbers don't really mean anything unless you know how many kids there are in the Hogar. There are 21. Which means the adult to kid ratio is 2-1, not bad at all. Its a really well run Hogar, but why is this my primary project? My help could be so much better put to use somewhere else. That is why, another one of my goals, is to make sure I don't go to the Hogar to much, just cause I want something to do. Although, the 3 days this week I was there were pretty rewarding. Yesterday I was teaching an exercise class and I wanted to put half the kids in cages. There isn't much discipline at the Hogar, actually, culturally there isn't much discipline. Culturally, nobody really follows the rules, just look at the freeway. Or as I like to call it, the autobahn of death. Anyways, like I said, I have a long way to go. When I stop and think about how it all, its pretty scary, so I try not to. I try to think one day at a time, not setting goals in bigger increments of time than one week.
Next Sunday I am going back to the training center. Peru 10 is arriving this next Friday, and Ive been invited to sit on a panel with a few other PCVs to talk about host families. I think that will be really cool, to not have to be the new group anymore. Plus, its something to look forward to and see all my old trainers. Something else I have to look forward to is my birthday. Both Jake and Jah will be in Lima for it. We have a certain committee meeting the day of my birthday, which is a Friday, so there will be a few people from each group in for the whole weekend. Not only do I get to spend my birthday with a few of my closest friends in Peru, but I get to spend it with other PCVs I don't know and make new friends too! So that's all for now. I meant to come into Lurin to use the Internet a few days ago, but Ive actually been so busy the past few days I haven't had the time.